Lamplight Letters
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2:40 AM
September 27th, 2012



4:48 PM
March 21st, 2012


I think I shall be making an announcement soon. On facebook more likely than here but here as well prob too….either that or tomorrow there is a chance I will fall into a deep depression lol But I don’t think so. I think this went favorably for me for once and I am excited. What a beautiful day to get such an amazing opportunity! <3 Things may be looking up for me here soon….Oh, I am about to bust! Announcement soon, for now, stay curious. :)

11:22 PM
March 3rd, 2012

Waiting. Kills. <:/

Possible job offer: please let me know if you are even available to me anymore or if you were just stringing me along. I need to know if I am moving soon.
Doctor’s office: please let me know if I am living or dying so I can decide whether the above frustration is even a consideration. lol

Thanks to BOTH of you for NOT getting back to me when you said you would be. I really needed that anxiety on top of everything else. *frustrated*

3:17 PM
March 2nd, 2012

I am so frustrated right now. I am in the worst mood. I am irritated with everything and everyone around me. And to make it worse I have to go to work in a couple hours until midnight tonight. And I am ticked. Every time I make an effort or have a good thought about something it seems it’s torn apart. It gets frustrating. No there’s no word for what it gets. When you get kicked BLOODY for trying. Honestly trying to do good by someone and you just get your teeth kicked out. Over the stupidest things. And people who are supposed to be calling you aren’t calling you with the information they promised you would know by a certain time…timing is everything and right now it is COMPLETELY off. On several situations. And it’s just frustrating because you can’t control other people or understand why they do what they do. I am just so SICK of feeling this way. I hate this.

8:33 PM
February 29th, 2012


I have an upper GI and an ultrasound of my gallbladder tomorrow morning because of all this stupid pain and nausea I have been having. Oh and the weight i have been unintentionally losing and can’t seem to gain back. Which means I will have to drink and continue to drink and drink and drink that HORRIBLE thick chalky barium crap. Not to mention no food OR drink after 10 tonight. Hope I can remember that…at least they schedule me first thing in the morning so it will be over pretty quickly and I can eat and drink then. Never had an ultrasound before but I’m really hoping I don’t have to have my gallbladder out, especially since I have seen what they do to people many time over during a gallbladder surgery. Not only are they rough and literally STAB there way into you (no joke, they don’t cut, they have these sharp metal tubes they insert that look like huge IV needles, and the doctor plunges it into you abdomen. I’ve seen it done. On people with a lot more fat on them and wiggle room with their organs than I have. lol) but they also aren’t very careful with the removal sometimes given it’s a fairly simple procedure that they have done over and over and over again so they get sloppy. For example. They don’t simply cut it out of you either. No, they CAUTERIZE it out of you. To minimize bleeding of course. But it’s still a little disturbing to know that a doctor who may or may not be a very good surgeon is using an electrically charged tool to burn an organ out of your body. 

Like I said, it’s a fairly simple procedure they do all the time many times a day and I am a nurse to boot. So why worry? Because I have seen them done. A handful of times. And in that handful of times I saw little mistakes the doc would make here and there I really wouldn’t want him doing to me. For example, the gallbladder lies just below the liver and is actually attached to it. I saw on one occasion (of the five or so I witnessed) where the surgeon attempted to remove the gallbladder from underneath the liver using his handy cauterizer MISSED the gallbladder entirely and burned a nice little white line right down the person’s liver. And kept right on going. It’s a small tool. Don’t think it did much damage. But still. I’d rather NOT have someone poking around in my body leaving scars on my liver. Livers are important. I like my liver. I also like chicken livers, but in an entirely different way. Anyways, hopefully this is something that doesn’t involve surgery because I just don’t trust people. lol And with good reason.

1:38 AM
February 19th, 2012
And the world’s got me dizzy again
You’d think after 22 years I’d be used to the spin
And it only feels worse when I stay in one place
So I’m always pacing around or walking away
I keep drinking the ink from my pen
And I’m balancing history books upon my head
But it all boils down to one quotable phrase:
‘If you love something, give it away’
Bright Eyes, “Landlocked Blues”
1:23 AM
February 19th, 2012

Something Big…

Something big may be about to happen in my life. I will likely know for sure next week sometime. If it does I will have to announce it at some point but I’m not ready for people to know…in fact, I’m not sure i even want to announce it to anyone but closest family. So there it is. Kind of hoping it happens though, even if it is a huge step for me. I almost can’t imagine so much change all at once. There’s times when I’m really super excited about it, and there are times when I am really super depressed. But we’ll just see what happens and go from there. Just like with the rest of life…

1:15 AM
February 19th, 2012
If you ever leave me, baby
Leave some morphine at my door.
Bruno Mars, “It Will Rain” 
5:43 PM
February 5th, 2012

Here’s to hoping…

Here’s to hoping this job magically comes through. I’ve been agonizing over this. My chances are slim. My expertise and experience on this is zilch. I’ve never had a nursing job before despite all my applications…But this is the hospital I have been wanting to work in. I really really hope this somehow works out. Trying not to get my hopes up, but not only would I finally be doing what I have worked to do for so long I would FINALLY be making good money. Enough to buy a car. Enough to get an apartment. And it would be SOOooo much more than what I am getting now. Hours-wise and pay-wise. Take what I am earning at my current job….now, multiply that by three. Yup. That sounds good…it’s about time.

So. I’ve not had any luck in the past. Here’s to hoping SOMEthing changes. And soon.

10:07 PM
February 1st, 2012

Sometimes, I’m just SO depressed… :’(